Truth Serum

Some moments, even some entire days,  I can catch myself in the judgements and lies that keep me from the truth.  There’s such grace in that kind of clarity, that kind of peace. That is, when  I can catch the lies.

And then there are the other days.  The days I actually believe that “they’re” at fault.  By “they” I mean anybody (or anything) out there that I can judge or blame.  Like my dog for barking too much, my husband for not shutting the door, the weather for not being warmer or drier.  Not to mention the theme songs I play in my own brain.  Number one right now is There’s something wrong, and it’s because I’m not enough or there’s not enough.

These are the days I need a truth serum. Or some loving but stern Zen master to rap me up the side of the head.  One question can usually do that: really? Is it true? When I’m aware enough of that feeling of shrinking inside, the way I’m living from a small self, that’s usually enough to bring me back.

Sometimes Truth shows up in harsher ways: the illness or death of a loved one can take me right there.  To an opening of the heart big enough to embrace and allow the beauty around me to teach me to heal.  What a shame that this is what it would take.

I’ve decided I’d rather not wait. So I’m watching for the ways I shut down, the feeling in the chest, the judgement in the mind. When I get ahold of that, I can actually see whatever’s in front of me.   A blue jay bobbles past.  A funky painted jalopy is parked by the side of the road. A torment of wind whips the weather into yet another storm. I allow these things  to enlarge my heart. That’s how I know the truth serum took.

What about you?  How do you know you’re living in a lie that shrinks your heart?

Where is it in your body?

Who or what is your truth serum?

I’m still looking and asking to find mine…again and again.

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